Diabetes Blogging is entitled 'The Blame Game' - Having diabetes often makes a visit to the doctor a dreaded experience, as there is invariably bad news of one kind or another. And sometimes the way the doctor talks to you can leave you feeling like you’re at fault. Or maybe you have a fantastic healthcare team, but have experienced blame and judgement from someone else in your life – friend, loved one, complete stranger... For other posts on this topic, browse the day 3 link list.
While I have been on the receiving end of a handful of less than ideal conversations with clinicians and healthcare professionals over the years, those were not the ones that first came to mind when I read this topic prompt.
There is a person who seems to jump on my back and berate me for lapses in judgement and effort far, far more often than any Dr or nurse ever has. Someone who feeds me with visions of horrendous complications that might be in store. Who raises a cynical eyebrow over my dose estimation of a meal, or timing of a bolus. Who reminds me of eveything I missed, every emerging pattern that I didn't spot until reaching for the hypo treatment. Who rolls their eyes over some of my food choices, making muttering noises about it "really not being a brilliant idea". Someone who is all too quick to tell me that my best isn't good enough, and that I may as well just give up.
And the worst thing about them? The very worst thing is their timing.
They choose the times when I am feeling at my most vulnerable. My weakest. Where my diabetes is behaving erratically, and I am struggling more than usual to aim for the tiny target range that we aspire to. That narrow way that is the best hope we have to protect against long-term complications. They choose the periods when either repeated high or low blood glucose have left me feeling drained, or scared, or angry and irritable. Uncertain as to what to do next, which of the many factors might need tweaking. And it is at those moments - when I could really do with some support, that they choose to get on my case.
I've tried to speak to them about it. We have had long conversations and have agreed that their behaviour really isn't kind and isn't helpful. I felt like they really genuinely were going to try. But all too soon they fell back into their old habits. Next time... next time they promise they will try harder. But will they? Can they?
If they weren't so close to me I would have left them behind. If they weren't so important to me I would have cut ties. Moved on. Freed myself from the negativity that comes when I can least cope with it.
But it's difficult. It's difficult when they are hurting too. When they are struggling.
It's difficult when they are, in fact, me.
So we embrace one another again. We look ourselves in the eye. And commit to being kinder the next time. To support each other, no matter what. To love. To listen. To understand that we are both doing what we can. To know that we will make it through together.