Posted by on Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Fiasp review, fun with 50:50, and the mystery of the missing insulin

I have been using NovoRapid for many of my 'pretending to be my pancreas' years. I had a brief dalliance with Humalog not long after we started writing this blog, but switched back to NovoRapid when I started with Artoo as my DSN had worries about accounts of Humalog crystallising in pump tubing.

One of the challenges with NovoRapid, as many users are keenly aware is that it's not very... well... rapid. NovoSluggish perhaps? NovoOhForGoodnessSakeGetAMoveOn!

When your blood glucose is stubbornly high and you dose a correction only to find it even higher an hour later it is very tempting to rage bolus it into submission with multiple additional units, only to find that you crash into low blood glucose hours later once they have all started acting together. I once wrote a post about speedboats and oil tankers outlining my frustrations around slow insulin action where everything else seems to act very fast indeed.

For those that don't know Fiasp (Faster Insulin Aspart) is the latest insulin from NovoNordisk. It is similar to NovoRapid, but has some additional ingredients that have improved the speed of onset. Official trial data shows a relatively modest improvement, but there has been much excitement in the DOC, and the early experiences shared seemed to suggest some people saw significant differences with faster action and a shorter duration.

I was keen to try Fiasp to see if I could do away with my reasonably lengthy pre-bolus at breakfast and lunch (taking insulin at least 30 minutes before beginning eating) and also to see if I could see improved/faster action of correction doses. This blog is my n=1 trial of 3 vials, I cannot say how Fiasp would work for you or anyone else, but this was what happened when I tried it.

But before we get started...
(jump to the Fiasp bit here if you're in a hurry, but you'll be missing out on some *sparkling* blogrambling)

The mystery of the missing insulin #1
When I spoke to my pump clinic about getting Fiasp they could not prescribe it because it was not yet on the hospital formulary. I had to get it from my GP who could use the PIP code to prescribe it directly. I planned to try it for 3-6 months to give me long enough to experiment with it and give it a decent go. I generally get 3 vials at a time when I order insulin. each u100 10ml insulin vial contains 1,000 units, which at my general Total Daily Dose of 30-35u should last me around a month each, more or less.

Except that they haven't.

Looking back, my insulin use has been pretty much as expected, but I used up those vials in 57 days not 90. And I am always careful to draw out every drop out of each vial, conscious of the huge privilege it is to live in a country where insulin is provided free for me by the NHS.

I had never realised before how much insulin prescribed to me goes unused. If I lived in the US with their absolutely horrendous price issues it would make a huge difference. Every set change for my insulin pump requires the tubing to be filled, and at the end of the site's life, that full tubing is discarded. I'm careful to only fill reservoirs with just enough insulin for their 3-day life, and have run them to all but empty more than once, but even then, there is a substantial measure of insulin left at the neck which you can't get to.

What this has showed me though, is that if planning a lengthy trip away, I would need at least a third more insulin than I might have guessed.

Oh and one more thing before we get going...

The mythical 50:50 split and other 'rules'
Immediately before switching - NovoRapid doing very well
I knew that changing the insulin I was using would most likely involve resetting a lot of things - ratios, factors and so on. So I decided (looking back this was probably not one of my brightest moments) that it would provide me with a useful opportunity to finally experiment with that mythical 50:50 split that some Healthcare Professionals seem quite keen on where exactly half your insulin is used for basal and half for meals. Along with the 500/100 'rules' that often get mentioned to me in clinic. I have always thought these 'rules' to be useful starting points - academically interesting, but no real substitute for systematic (and repeated) self-testing of basal insulin with fasting basal tests for example. Here was a chance to see how it worked for me.

So when I switched to Fiasp, I took an average of my Total Daily Dose (TDD) over the previous 30 days and split it exactly 50:50, then set a flat basal profile to spread that much insulin over the 24 hours. Apparently in most people with a functioning pancreas, the body uses half the insulin for food and half for background. Quite how they have worked this out is beyond me. And I've always thought, "Well surely, doesn't that depend on what you are eating??". But nevertheless the 50:50 thing still floats around and some HCPs raise eyebrows when your split is more 40% basal to 60% bolus as mine is.

Part of the reason why I half-thought this might be a useful experiment (apart from my own curiosity and thinly veiled desire to prove that it was nonsense and wouldn't work for me), was that I had read accounts by a few people who had tried Fiasp already that found it had a shorter action. By boosting my basal split to half of my TDD, I reasoned I might soften that out a little. Take less insulin with each meal, but still have some being fed-in continually in the background that I could dial down with a Temporary Basal Rate during exercise/activity.

Additionally I was wearing a CGM sensor during this period, and could watch what was going on, plus I had Smartguard to catch me overnight, just in case.

The first morning of my changing-absolutely-everything Fiasp trial showed a dramatic drop overnight - caught by Smartguard and low prevented, but enough to confirm my suspicions that a significant hike in overnight basal insulin would cause me problems going forward. Undeterred, and wanting to give the experiment more of a go I adjusted the pattern to shift some of the basal insulin into the daytime and keep the pattern at 50% of my TDD.

500 and 100 rules
The other half of my Great Big Reset experiment was to use the 500 and 100 'rules'. These are a suggestion of calculating your insulin:carbohydrate and correction factors using your TDD as a starting point:

1u of insulin covers: (500 / TDD) grams of carbohydrate
1u of insulin lowers BG by: (100 / TDD) mmol/L

The correction factor always works out very similar to the one I generally find works OK for me, but the meal ratio is always a bit of a surprise. More than once in clinic when the subject of hypoglycaemia has come up a calculator has been tapped and mentions made of what my ratio 'should be' according to the 500 rule - I often use 1:10 and 1:11, the 500 rule suggests 1:15. I've always been of the opinion that if my meal ratio were 50% out, I might have noticed, but this Brave New World was an opportunity to have a go and see what happened.

'500 Rule' boluses really struggling
After a couple of days I took stock. I had been experiencing a lot of high glucose alarms and had needed to dose several extra corrections to bring my levels back into range. Hilariously when I looked at the splits between basal and bolus I noticed that the extra corrections I had needed pushed me back almost exactly to 40:60 rather than 50:50. My diabetes can be extremely stubborn sometimes.

Additionally, I soon realised that the 500 'rule' was massively messing with my attempt to aim for 50:50. Even though I was using my TDD as a starting point, I simply do not eat enough carbohydrate most days for the 500 rule to generate half my TDD. I usually eat around 130-150g of carbohydrate per day. Don't get me wrong... I'm no sandal-wearing low carb evangelist. Sometimes I can eat 120g of carbs in a single meal - but on the whole, I find around 150g is all I need, and helps keep my BG a little more stable. The 500 rule seemed to assume I would be eating 250g of carbs a day. Which I can do, but carbier days are often the less predictable ones in my experience.

So I gradually began to tweak my basal profile and opted for more of a mid-point for meal ratios, and the experiment continued. I lasted around a week before I threw the towel in. I only hit the mythic 50:50 split on one or two days (about as many as I do using my own system to be honest). Most of the days with the 500-rule-ratios involved significant corrections due to rising levels, however quickly Fiasp may have been working. And more often than not these pushed my basal:bolus split back to where it normally sits.

Finally! The Fiasp part of the Fiasp Post
If you've waded through these ramblings so far (congratulations, some sort of perseverance medal is clearly in order) you will understand why I am choosing to pretty much ignore my first week's experience with Fiasp.

Looking back at that first week though, I will just briefly mention in passing that we were away on holiday and so there were a good few treats to test Fiasp's rapid action. I was also experimenting with not pre-bolusing for breakfast or lunch. Early results were promising once I had tweaked my ratios a little. Doses for other things, like white bread, ice cream, cake, beer did seem to be starting to act more rapidly, and where I'd misjudged things and was dosing for corrections they seemed to be starting to act within 25-30 minutes rather than my expected 60 minute wait with NovoRapid before I see much BG reduction.

I think it's fair to say that Fiasp had its work cut out because in the months before trying it, partly powered by the occasional CGM sensors I've been running this year, NovoRapid had been unusually cooperative. Many weeks with more than 80% of sensor readings in range and with almost no minutes below 4.0mmol/L.

Faster acting
After my slight false-start and once I had my ratios and basal back to more like where I would expect them to be I began to find my feet with Fiasp. During this period, here's what I found:
  • I did still need to pre-bolus, but only about half as much. Perhaps 15-20 minutes at breakfast and 10-15 minutes at lunch. Much more than that and I risked dipping low before the carbs kicked-in.
  • Corrections were acting faster, just as I hoped they would. This meant that my errors were resolved more quickly
  • Meals where I would not normally need to pre-bolus and where I'd expect reasonable results from an 'all up front' approach I actually needed to delay the meal insulin. Setting all or part of it as a square wave/dual wave/combo
  • Smartguard occasionally mangled these square and dual waves, cutting basal insulin and stopping the remaining bolus following a small dip in BG and just as the carbs began to hit, resulting in the dose only being delivered later on when I noticed what was happening. This was intensely frustrating.
  • The insulin action did seem to be shorter than NovoRapid for me, or at least the way that Fiasp makes more of the dose available sooner meant that the tail was less pronounced and I reduced my duration of insulin action to better reflect 'insulin on board'
  • Breakfast was my biggest challenge. Lower carb weekday ones (15-20g carbs) were relatively OK, but bigger weekend ones (45-50g carbs) were a nightmare. At some points in the year I can find I have to add an extra mini-bolus to account for my liver dumping glucose when I crawl out from under the duvet (even though my basal pattern always kicks-up at this time), but even that tried and tested strategy didn't keep me out of the teens after breakfast at the weekends. In the end I used a surprisingly strong bolus ratio that scaled the doses upwards where I was eating more.
Fiasp performing pretty well at 3-4 weeks in.
Finding the Fiasp sweet spot
There was definitely a point, when I'd been using Fiasp for about 3-4 weeks where I began to see distinct potential. There were still some horrendous numbers to be found, but there were some great successes too. For example, a Tapas meal out one Sunday with delicious breads, patatas bravas, beers and all sorts of incalcucables that was bolused late, in a series of guesses and to correct my earlier underestimates of carbiness where I could actively see Fiasp's faster action helping me out.

It was also at this time that my results around breakfast greatly improved, which helped a lot in improving my time-in-range.

What it made me realise, I suppose, was that after something like 15 years of using NovoRapid I had memorised a lot of 'exceptions to the rules'. Little tricks and strategies that I use, almost without thinking, to work around NR's particular activity profile and my individual BG response to different foods. When switching to Fiasp, I was needing to re-invent a lot of these, and discover a whole lot of new ones. If the switch was to become permanent, it would take time to build up this knowledge.
Things improving around breakfast time with Fiasp

Increasing resistance and the mystery of the missing insulin #2
Unfortunately my successes were fairly short-lived. I can see the Standard Deviation (how spread apart my BG results were) taking a leap upwards after about 10 days of beginning to feel I was making progress. During this phase of my Fiasp experiment my basal and bolus requirements seemed to be heading inexorably upwards once again (they had kicked upward after a couple of weeks, but I'd seen that happening to others and didn't stress about it too much). At the same time I was finding my earlier shorter pre-boluses less and less effective, and had more or less reverted to exactly the timings I would use with NovoRapid. Additionally, I no longer needed to dual or square wave those well known 'all up front' meals as I had in the first few weeks.

Even more perplexingly, rather than acting more rapidly, sometimes my corrections of high BG values seemed to have no effect at all. I would be watching a sensor trace waiting for a high or rising BG to be corrected and nothing would happen. I began to throw in 2u and 3u speculative 'turnaround' corrections to try to halt a rising BG only to see it continue to rise, and where I was expecting to have to mop-up the excess insulin with carbs later, the dose seemed largely to disappear entirely.

As an example, in the image you can see my BG rising after an early evening meal. The blue dots along the bottom represent corrections. The first, before 7pm was in response to an 'alert before high' which indicated I would be rising to 11mmol/L within 30 minutes. I gave a small correction (0.7u) which aimed to take the edge off the rising BG. Over an hour later, not only had the remainder of the meal bolus not reduced my BG, but the additional correction was not doing much either. By 8.20pm or so I was getting a little frustrated and bolused 3u planning to watch and wait -  mopping up with some tasty carbs once my BG had begun to drop. In the early days of Fiasp I would have expected even a modest correction to begin to lower BG within 30-45 minutes (unless immediately after eating), but over the next hour my BG continued to rise. The two corrections already on board almost doubling my meal dose. A further small correction at around 9.20pm did finally provide some BG lowering effect and I went to bed mid-range after a small snack. For anyone wondering about the condition of the infusion set - it returned to much more expected behaviour overnight and the following morning. But it was odd events such as this that rather cast a shadow on my Fiasp experiments. I began to opt for 3u and 2u over-corrections fairly often.

I was also increasingly aware of a stinging sensation at the infusion site. Not always, and sometimes stronger than others. But many infusion sites were noticeably tender to the touch.

Losing faith with Fiasp. Averages and SD rising.
Calling it a day
It was about this point where I decided that Fiasp was not going to work for me. I was nearing the end of the third vial of Fiasp and needed to put my repeat prescripton request in to restock. I decided to return to NovoRapid.

I am sure I could have made it work given enough time, but I was losing trust with it and finding it not altogether reliable or predictable. This was relatively manageable when I was wearing a CGM sensor to keep track of where doses were not behaving as expected, but I generally only use sensors occasionally and I really need an insulin that I can trust while I'm not able to watch it like a hawk.

Ultimately, I had wanted to try Fiasp to reduce or remove the need for pre-boluses, and to improve the speed of action of corrections. I had seen some evidence of these early on, but not for several weeks. And those positive attributes had apparently been replaced by a less than reliable action.

I am quite disappointed if I am honest. I continue to see lots of accounts of people getting on really well with Fiasp, enjoying lightning speed and seeing significantly improved post-meal numbers. I have also seen other accounts very similar to my experience though. So it seems that Fiasp may be an insulin that just does not work well for some people.

But for me - despite all its faults, NovoRapid has brought an immediate relief and return to significantly better results. Well... for the time being at least!


Posted by on Monday, 31 July 2017

Does Abbott Freestyle Libre improve Hba1c? - belated thoughts from Dx Amsterdam

More than 20 bloggers from across Europe gather for Dx Amsterdam

"I love deadlines" (as Douglas Adams used to say) "I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

If I had set myself a reasonable time limit to write some reflections on my time at Dx Amsterdam in June I suspect it would have been rather sooner than this. But even though this is rather late, there were some bits and pieces I picked up over that weekend that have stayed me since, and while I now have several other blog posts jostling for position in my head, I've decided that this post is better late than never.

I was really lucky to be picked out of a hat and selected as part of a 7-person UK contingent at Dx Amsterdam, which gathered 21 bloggers from the UK, Ireland, Netherlands, France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, Poland, Greece, Sweden and Turkey in the wonderful city of Amsterdam for a weekend of friendship, conversation, shared experiences, learning, support, wobbly bike rides, and the dreaming of dreams.


There were lots of opportunities for us to chat and exchange experiences together over the weekend, and just like the Dx event I was lucky enough to attend in Stockholm there were useful and inspiring presentations - from practical things like taking better photographs, to the astonishing and humbling story of Claire Lomas and how she adapted to life paralysed from the chest down.

Mercifully, Abbott are careful at these events not to bombard us with announcements and product news - it's really more of a chance for us to learn and grow together as bloggers and to make connections across international boundaries. However once you've got some real actual Abbott peeps in a room, there are inevitably questions you want to ask and things you want to find out. For the UK folks, there was a brief breakfast meeting on Sunday which included updates on the tantalising prospect of getting the Freestyle Libre available on prescription on the NHS, which seems to be creeping ever closer (including a new campaign by Diabetes UK as the discussions and tortuous process seem to be nearing a final decision). It is interesting that the Libre is already fully or partially reimbursed in 9 countries across Europe.

But the thing that my mind keeps returning to following the weekend was the presentation of analysis Abbott have done on their anonymised real-world data which Tim gave on Saturday afternoon.

As Libre users may (or may not!) be aware, when they connect their reader to the computer to access the PDF reports and swanky graphs a de-identified anonymised copy of their data is also uploaded to Abbott. I remember some people being a bit huffy about that early on, but if I'm honest it has really never bothered me, as long as the data is completely anonymous (which it is) I don't mind Abbott having a set of my random BG craziness to see how their gizmo is working out in the real world.

And it is an absolutely massive dataset, almost 400 million data points from 55,000 users over 20 months.

What I found really interesting was some of the observations Abbott were able to make by analysing and filtering the data.

Average scans per day
The average number of scans per day per user is much higher than they had originally imagined. On average Libre users check their glucose 16 times every day. 16 times! A number of checks that would be unsustainable, or at the very least very uncomfortable and tiresome with traditional fingersticks. Additionally, while there are a few people that hardly scan at all, there is a real cluster at that 16x a day level, and many, many users who check between 20 and 30 times a day or more.


More scans associates with better outcomes
Abbott were also to stratify their results and confirm that people who scan more often are more likely to see reduced glucose variation when compared to those who scan less frequently. There are also observable improvements in the three biggies: reduced hypoglycaemia, reduced hyperglycaemia and increased time in range.

What about HbA1c?
Well, of course, the truth is that because of the way these data were collected no one can really know for certain (though there are plenty of anecdotal accounts from people who report their HbA1c reducing alongside Libre use). But I still find the data compelling. After all HbA1c is really only a proxy for glucose management, average blood glucose and time in range. The very things the Abbott real-world data is actually collecting.

At the moment HbA1c tends to be the focus of many academic/research studies at least in part because it is relatively easily collected, standardised, and has a long history going back to DCCT analysis that offers the promise of reduced complication risk. It also makes it easy to compare multiple studies by using the same HbA1c outcome. But I know I'm not the only person with diabetes to know that A1c is often a pretty poor indicator of what is actually going on day-to-day, and that the number you get does not always reflect the average BG or variation you are seeing.

I am aware that some will see these 'real world' data gathered by Abbott as a poor relation when compared to a 'proper' randomised controlled trial. There is no proper structure, no control group, no baseline data, no monitoring and observation of what is going on, no assessment of the relative education and support (or otherwise) of participants. But actually I think personally that is exactly what gives these data their real power. These are the numbers of ordinary individuals at all different stages of their diabetes journey, living messy, complicated real lives with type 1 diabetes. The only common factor is that these people wanted more information to support their diabetes management - and the more information they had, the better they were able to manage their blood glucose.

In a sense, of course, this is a self-selecting group. People had to be interested enough, and committed enough to fund the use of the sensors for as much of the year as they could manage. And people who couldn't get on with Libre are likely to have dropped out - but drop-outs and careful selection happen in clinical trials too. So while I don't for a minute imagine that chucking Libre sensors around like NHS-funded Smarties will instantly solve all the T1 diabetes woes in the UK, I do find these real-world data very encouraging and empowering.

Living with type 1 diabetes is complicated. And for many people, additional information about what their BG is doing 24 hours a day can go a long way to help them make better management decisions.

Disclaimer: Abbott Diabetes sponsored my attendance of Dx Amsterdam including flights, accommodation and the programme they organised. They also treated us to lovely meet-and-greet nibbles on Friday night and a slap-up meal on Saturday evening at Amsterdam's Van Pufflen restaurant. I was not paid to attend and I have not been asked to write this or any other post about the weekend or the Freestyle Libre.

Posted by on Friday, 19 May 2017

More than Diabetes, 4 minutes of Marvin - DBlog Week Day 5

Today is the last day of Diabetes Blog Week, and the prompt is an invition to share something non-diabetes related - "an interest, hobby, passion, something that is YOU... because there is more to life than just diabetes!". Huge thanks again to Karen at Bittersweet for organising such an inspiring week.

I read the topic list at the beginning of the week and really had no idea where to go with this one. But as I wandered out this morning, in glorious sunshine with our wonderful, affectionate, friendly, beautiful dog, I could think of nothing better. Huge apologies to anyone whose toes are already curling in that someone-over-sharing-pictures-of-their-children-on-Facebook way. But here it is...

We got Marvin a little over a year ago, and he has had such a massively positive impact on all of our lives. He's a medium sized cross-breed, mixing Clumber Spaniel with Miniature Poodle, to make a 'Clumberdoodle'. He motivates me to get out and about every single day - any time I meet my notional step goal target for the day is down mostly to Marvin. He is playful and affectionate, but not annoyingly so. He likes a snooze and loves people, children, and other dogs. He knows just when to snuggle-in, if you are feeling frustrated or down, and as our youngest pointed out not so long ago, having Marvin ensures that each of us will laugh out loud at least once every, single, day.

It is almost impossible now to remember life without him.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, and a video is made up of thousands of pictures viewed one after another to create the illusion of movement*, I have chosen to produce a short video to give you 4 minutes of Marvin. Enjoy!

* One for the Wittertainees there.


For other posts on this topic, check out the Day 5 link list.

4 minutes of Marvin

Posted by on Thursday, 18 May 2017

Diabetes, emotions, resilience and mental health - DBlog Week Day 4


Today's Diabetes Blog Week topic recognises that living with type 1 diabetes is not just about looking after our physical health,  "What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope?". Read how others have responded to this topic by visiting the Day 4 link list.

Today is also described as 'Throwback Thursday' in that this topic was also covered a few years ago, in 2014, which coincidentally, was the last time I took part in DBlog Week. You can read my previous post here, and to be honest I think I feel pretty much the same today.

It's important for us to recognise that living with a long term condition, particularly one as fickle, irritating and contrary as Type 1 Diabetes makes each of us more vulnerable to depression.

It is OK not to be OK. And it is very much OK to talk to your clinic, Doctor or care team about it. You need to do that. It won't be easy. It will take courage, but if you are struggling emotionally you deserve to be supported and to receive the help you need.

Many of us are familiar with the ebb and flow of emotions from gently pottering along with diabetes just being part of the background noise of our lives and with a general sense of well-being set against feelings of despair, hopelessness and that diabetes is a weight that simple cannot be carried. Many of us too, will know that the dividing line between those two states is sometimes precariously fragile. Your mental health is just that, health. We need to look after ourselves as whole people, and that means looking after our minds, and paying attention to them, just as much as we put effort in to blood glucose management, eating well and exercising.

I think part of the challenge for healthcare professionals is that it is much easier for them to focus on the numbers. The hard facts that can suggest how 'well' a person with diabetes is managing their condition. From the outset we begin to be surrounded by a cloud of numbers, targets and measurements. Each supposedly able to predict our long-term future health. And it is almost impossible in that context not to see those checks and data as some sort of reflection on whether you are 'succeeding' or 'failing' as a person. Whether you are 'trying hard enough', 'doing well enough'.

It's a toxic environment.

And much has been written about the language we use in relation to these pieces of information. Test. Target. Control. Compliance. Adherence. So many opportunities for self-judgement.

And it's important to remember that fluctuating glucose levels have a profound effect on the brain and on the emotions. So at the very point we see those frustrating numbers, where we know we did everything we knew to try to avoid them, our minds are less able to cope with the situation.

If we are not careful we put ourselves in an impossible position where every day is filled with opportunities for perceived 'failure'. Where we see our best efforts as never 'enough'. Where we feel that we are failing before we begin.

But this is absolutely not the case.

You need to recognise how well you are doing. How resilient you are. How you are able to live your life and simultaneously perform the function of a major bodily organ every single day.

Some times it works well and you are happy with how your BG behaved, other days... not so much. But you battle on, you brilliant, tenacious, feisty, beautiful piece of humanity. And tomorrow you will do it all again.

And make no mistake, the juggling of all those complicated factors that go into every single one of your self-management decisions would fry the most genius of minds. And the out of range results you see are so often not even down to you at all. Well, OK, that one was. But hey, we knew that before we did it eh? And life is for living, right? But for the most part, if managing type 1 was simply a matter of eating the right foods and taking the right doses and everything always worked out all the time and never changed we would have had this licked a long, long time ago.

The variables in your life will overlap and interact. Some cancelling each other out, others magnifying. And your diabetes itself will not have the good grace to sit still and behave predictably.

Perfection really is not possible. You are doing your best - even on the days when you can barely manage to do anything. You can do that. You can keep yourself going. And tomorrow you can go again.

Never neglect your state of mind. Get the right professional support if you need it, and reach out to people in the #doc to share the burden. Commit to being careful with your own inner voice and taking time to affirm yourself and acknowledge that despite the difficulties type 1 diabetes brings, you are winning small victories every day. You are able to achieve more than you can imagine.

“To achieve greatness, start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.”
Arthur Ashe

Posted by on Wednesday, 17 May 2017

The Blame Game - DBlog Week Day 3

Today's topic in Karen at Bitter-Sweet's fabulous festival of Diabetes Blogging is entitled 'The Blame Game' - Having diabetes often makes a visit to the doctor a dreaded experience, as there is invariably bad news of one kind or another. And sometimes the way the doctor talks to you can leave you feeling like you’re at fault. Or maybe you have a fantastic healthcare team, but have experienced blame and judgement from someone else in your life – friend, loved one, complete stranger... For other posts on this topic, browse the day 3 link list.


While I have been on the receiving end of a handful of less than ideal conversations with clinicians and healthcare professionals over the years, those were not the ones that first came to mind when I read this topic prompt.

There is a person who seems to jump on my back and berate me for lapses in judgement and effort far, far more often than any Dr or nurse ever has. Someone who feeds me with visions of horrendous complications that might be in store. Who raises a cynical eyebrow over my dose estimation of a meal, or timing of a bolus. Who reminds me of eveything I missed, every emerging pattern that I didn't spot until reaching for the hypo treatment. Who rolls their eyes over some of my food choices, making muttering noises about it "really not being a brilliant idea". Someone who is all too quick to tell me that my best isn't good enough, and that I may as well just give up.

And the worst thing about them? The very worst thing is their timing.

They choose the times when I am feeling at my most vulnerable. My weakest. Where my diabetes is behaving erratically, and I am struggling more than usual to aim for the tiny target range that we aspire to. That narrow way that is the best hope we have to protect against long-term complications. They choose the periods when either repeated high or low blood glucose have left me feeling drained, or scared, or angry and irritable. Uncertain as to what to do next, which of the many factors might need tweaking. And it is at those moments - when I could really do with some support, that they choose to get on my case.

I've tried to speak to them about it. We have had long conversations and have agreed that their behaviour really isn't kind and isn't helpful. I felt like they really genuinely were going to try. But all too soon they fell back into their old habits. Next time... next time they promise they will try harder. But will they? Can they?

If they weren't so close to me I would have left them behind. If they weren't so important to me I would have cut ties. Moved on. Freed myself from the negativity that comes when I can least cope with it.

But it's difficult. It's difficult when they are hurting too. When they are struggling.

It's difficult when they are, in fact, me.

So we embrace one another again. We look ourselves in the eye. And commit to being kinder the next time. To support each other, no matter what. To love. To listen. To understand that we are both doing what we can. To know that we will make it through together.